Table of Contents

1. Introduction: Why Am I Doing Everything?

2. What Is ‘Dad Privilege’?

   • Examples of Dad Privilege in Action

3. The Emotional Labor Gap: Why Moms Carry the Mental Load

   • The Research on Emotional Labor

4. How the Emotional Labor Gap Impacts Relationships

   • How the Emotional Labor Gap Can Show Up in Your Marriage

5. How to Address ‘Dad Privilege’ and Rebalance Emotional Labor

   • 1. Start the Conversation (Without an Argument)

   • 2. Make the Invisible Visible

   • 3. Use the ‘Fair Play’ Method

   • 4. Drop the ‘Mom Knows Best’ Trap

   • 5. Set Clear Expectations (and Stick to Them)

6. Final Thoughts: Creating a Partnership That Feels Fair

7. Frequently Asked Questions

   • What is 'dad privilege'?

   • How does 'dad privilege' affect relationships?

   • What is emotional labor?

   • How can couples address the emotional labor imbalance?

   • Are there resources to help balance household responsibilities?

Introduction: Why Am I Doing Everything?

Ever feel like you’re carrying the weight of the entire household on your shoulders while your husband gets praised for doing the bare minimum? Like when he takes the baby to the grocery store and strangers say, “What a great dad!” Meanwhile, you’ve done the same thing 500 times, and no one bats an eye.

That, my friend, is dad privilege—a modern example of household inequality that many moms experience.

And let’s be clear—this isn’t about bashing dads. Most dads love their kids, want to be involved, and would be horrified to think their partner feels overburdened. But here’s the problem: society is built in a way that lets dads opt out of certain aspects of parenting and household management, while moms are expected to handle it all.

This imbalance isn’t just frustrating—it’s a key reason why so many women feel resentful in their marriages after having kids. If you’ve ever thought “I love my husband, but I also kind of hate him right now,” you’re not alone.

So, let’s talk about why this happens, how the emotional labor gap plays into it, and—most importantly—how to fix it.

What Is ‘Dad Privilege’?

Think of dad privilege as an invisible pass that lets men off the hook for certain parenting and household responsibilities. It’s not necessarily intentional, but it’s real.

Examples of Dad Privilege in Action:

• Dads get praised for basic parenting (while moms are expected to do it all without recognition).

• Moms are the “default parent”—the one schools, doctors, and daycare centers call first.

• Dads “help” with chores instead of taking equal ownership.

• Moms carry the cognitive load of remembering birthdays, meal planning, and doctor’s appointments.

• Dads get more leisure time—studies show moms have less free time than dads, even when both parents work full-time.

Research Backs This Up: A 2019 study published in Gender & Society found that mothers do an average of 1.5 extra hours of childcare and housework per day compared to fathers, even when both parents are employed full-time (source). Now, let’s get to the root of the issue: invisible labor and the emotional load of parenting.

The Emotional Labor Gap: Why Moms Carry the Mental Load

Emotional labor (sometimes called the mental load) is all the invisible work required to keep a household and family running smoothly. It’s not just doing the tasks—it’s anticipating, planning, and managing them.

Who notices the diaper stock is low?

Who remembers which snacks your toddler won’t eat this week?

Who schedules the pediatrician appointments?

Yep. Probably you.

Even in families where dads actively participate in chores and childcare, moms often remain the household manager—which is exhausting. This is sometimes called default parent syndrome, where one parent (usually the mom) is expected to handle all child-related responsibilities by default.

The Research on Emotional Labor

A 2023 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that moms still do 65% of household management tasks, even when both parents work outside the home (source). The reason? Cultural expectations and ingrained habits related to parental gender roles.

Society assumes moms are the “primary parent” and dads are the “supporting parent.” And over time, this dynamic leads to resentment, exhaustion, and relationship tension.

How the Emotional Labor Gap Impacts Relationships

Let’s be real: this imbalance doesn’t just affect chores—it affects how you feel about your relationship.

How the Emotional Labor Gap Can Show Up in Your Marriage:

• Resentment: Feeling like you're doing everything breeds frustration and bitterness.

• Mental Overload: Constantly keeping track of everything leads to burnout.

• Loss of Intimacy: Hard to feel attracted to someone when they act like a passive bystander.

• Role Strain: Moms feel stuck in “manager mode,” making it hard to relax or enjoy parenting.

  
  

A lot of women struggle to talk about this because they don’t want to sound like they’re nagging. But the truth is, your exhaustion is valid, and your relationship needs balance to thrive.

How to Address ‘Dad Privilege’ and Rebalance Emotional Labor

1. Start the Conversation (Without an Argument)

Instead of saying, “You never help!” (which makes people defensive), try this:

“I’m feeling really overwhelmed, and I need more help. Can we figure out a way to split things more evenly?”

This shifts the conversation from blame to problem-solving—and gets your partner on board.

2. Make the Invisible Visible

One powerful exercise? Both partners write down everything they do in a week. Compare lists.

Most dads are shocked when they realize how much mental labor their partner carries. Awareness is the first step to change.

3. Use the ‘Fair Play’ Method

Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play system (book here) helps couples split responsibilities so each partner fully owns their tasks instead of “helping.”

For example:Instead of “Can you help with the laundry?” Try “You’re in charge of all laundry from start to finish.”

4. Drop the ‘Mom Knows Best’ Trap

Let’s be honest—sometimes we micromanage. If you want your partner to step up, let go of perfectionism and allow them to do things their way.

5. Set Clear Expectations (and Stick to Them)

The goal isn’t to get temporary help—it’s to build a long-term fair division of labor in your household. Sit down and divide up responsibilities in a way that feels fair to both of you.

Final Thoughts: Creating a Partnership That Feels Fair

Here’s the truth: Your husband probably doesn’t want you to feel exhausted and resentful. Most dads are happy to help—but they’ve been conditioned to believe that moms will naturally “take care of things.”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s not because you’re failing—it’s because the system is broken. And the good news? You and your partner can change the system in your own home.

By making invisible labor visible, having real conversations, and setting up a fair system, you can build a partnership where both of you feel valued, supported, and connected.

Sources

Daminger, A. (2019). "The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor." Gender & Society.

Yavorsky, J. E., Kamp Dush, C. M., & Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J. (2015). "The Production of Inequality: The Gender Division of Labor Across the Transition to Parenthood." Journal of Marriage and Family.

Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live).